I hate that my mind races. I hate that I’m on the constant verge of tears. I hate that I over read into things – which of course perpetuates the whole mind racing thing. I hate that I’m so good at hiding it that no one has a clue what’s going on in my head. I’m what I would call high functioning anxiety. I work. I have hobbies. But I struggle.
Would you know that I was struggling in this moment if you saw me? This is me, at work, holding it together and functioning enough to get through the day. I will interact with coworkers and customers and do what needs to be done. But when I’m sitting at my desk, what you can’t see is how I’m tapping my toes or scrunching/unscrunching my toes in my shoes. Or clenching and unclenching my fists. Or biting the inside of my lip. Or tapping my fingers on something. Or the slow and calculated breathing to try and calm my heart from racing, stomach being sick or tears from flowing.
There are times when I forget that I have anxiety. There are other times when it’s all consuming. But most of the time I’m kinda in the middle, where it’s there, just under the surface. Making me nervous that it’s going to turn all consuming at any moment. The worst is when it combines with panic and turns even worse. *knock on wood* I don’t get that all too often anymore. I know a bunch of my triggers (confrontation – even just perceived confrontation, being late, going somewhere new alone, new situations and feeling like I’m bothering someone… just to name a few) and I try to avoid them to keep that from happening. But sometimes it’s nothing that I can put my finger on to know why I’m feeling that way and that’s the hardest to deal with. If it’s a trigger, I can try to do something about it. But it’s really hard to come to grips with something that you have no clue about why it’s affecting me the way it is.
I’ve been in a anxious state more than usual the last few weeks. I know I go through it like this sometimes and I also know that this will also pass as time goes on.
Tell me what helps you. How do you get through these same feelings? I’m reluctant to go the Dr. route. I’m not keen to go on medication. I did that when I was younger and it knocked me out and made me feel like a zombie and I just can’t function that way. I have a mortgage and bills and need to continue working. I know I’m getting stronger every day too. Heck, even just having this blog is something I NEVER would have done before. Putting myself out there like this. Making videos. I know I have a long way to go still, but I know I’m going in the right direction at least.
Until next time, xoxo
You have come so far in the time that I’ve known you, it’s been so sweet to watch you come out of your shell (even just a little.) speaking about you anxiety helps others to normalize it and make the subject easier for others to share their stories. I do suffer from anxiety as well and have chosen to use medication, yes, it does take time to find a medication that works and doesn’t make you feel like a zombie. But when you get the right medication, it can literally be like a deep breath out that you’ve been holding in. Advancements in medication have really made big strides in recent years, and now side effects can be managed better with the pharmacist and your doctor know when the best time to take the medication is. For example, I take Elavil at night, 2 hours before I want to sleep, it helps me to get a full nights rest (something I have trouble doing with my anxiety.) I get the benefits of the anxiety medication but I also get the sleep which in turn helps my anxiety (if that makes sense lol) it’s a medication that also allows me to go up on my dose (I take a base dose mg every night and can go up if I’m having trouble sleeping)
The problem is finding the right medication for you, you need to take the medication for awhile to see the desired effects. My doctor started me on one medication, at a low dosage, I’d try it for 2 weeks to a month, if the side effects were unbearable I’d go back in the 2 weeks and he’d try something else.. if I went the month and felt better then he would up the dosage. It took me a few tries to find the right medication but I noticed a significant difference when we found one that worked. Just my experience but if it helps me, it might be worth a try.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I’m so glad I started therapy and have been prioritizing self care which is really helping and I don’t have as many super rough days. Maybe one day I’ll look into medication – it’s not something I’ve ruled completely out – so it’s nice to have experiences like yours to keep in consideration. I’m glad you found something that helps you!