Cause Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Change is hard, ya’ll!  It’s so much easier to just stay comfortable and not rock the boat.  But sometimes you just need to do what’s best for your happiness.  Today I’m talking about a relationship that I broke off but this can be said about a job, a friendship, volunteering or even a hobby.  Making that decision to change the flow of how things have always been or what you’ve been used to doing can feel daunting.

You all know my anxieties over confrontation.  I’m sure that’s a huge reason why it took me as long as it did to end it.  But things just weren’t the same anymore.  We’d both changed and the change wasn’t making us closer together.  I’m not going to go into specifics changes here (no need to drag all that out), I’m just going to share my thoughts, how I’m feeling and how I got to this place.

About 2 years ago when I was away on one of my heroclix weekends, a gaming friend who didn’t really know any details of my relationship heard me make a comment after receiving a message from my bf at the time.  He said a word to me that I’d never heard of before: gaslighting.  I had no idea this was a thing and had no idea what it meant.  I didn’t say anything in the moment, but I wrote it down and looked it up when I was back home.  Looking back, this is when my eyes started opening that I might not be in the best situation for me.  

When I reflect back, us splitting probably should have happened about a year sooner.  My friends were happy for me either way if I was happy, but they weren’t surprised when I said I had ended it.  And actually, I did say I was done at one point about a year before, but we had talked it out and continued on.  There were just so many times in between when I’d be upset, irritated or feel like I had to walk on eggshells.  There was jealousy, control and subtle manipulation. I should have spoken up more and not just gone along with things sometimes.  I know that’s on me though and my anxiety for confrontation.  I know I’ll only be stronger and grow personally because of it all.

In the moment while it was happening, it felt nerve wracking.  It felt awkward at home because it was over and not together but you still see each other until the physical move happens.  I know I felt like I wanted to avoid being home sometimes.  We did have a pretty opposite schedule though, so it was fairly easy to avoid overlapping awake times for the most part. 

Here we are, a few months later.  I have moments of feeling lonely and low.  I get into ruts of zero motivation and just wanting to sleep when I’m at home.  But I’m still getting up and functioning and going to work and I love that my heroclix hobby gets me out of the house and hanging out with friends.  I do miss the affection of hugs and cuddles and the closeness of having someone around.  But I also know it’s for the best.  I’m super grateful that I have amazing friends and family who keep checking in and getting together with me.   

Now here’s where I get to work on myself and take care of just me.  Let myself have the time to pause and reflect.  Cry if I need to release.  Have the occasional drink to escape.  Go out and get away when I want to without having to answer to anyone.  Eventually I’ll be ready to meet someone new.  I know I’m certainly not ready yet. So for now I just need to focus on me.  Get my head in the right place.  Work on my business.  Better myself.  Read some books.  Do that self care. 

Talk to me about what you did to move on past a break up? 

Until next time, xoxo