Mental Illness Is Hard

I’m really struggling bad with my anxiety right now. I’m sitting here with tears running down my cheeks and I have no idea why. Sometimes I know what’s set me off, but today I have no clue. Nothing happened. It’s easier to come to terms with it when I know the reason. You know that whatever it was that caused it will pass and when it does I’ll be calm again. But when I don’t know why, I don’t know what I’m waiting to happen to get by it.
Usually the good release cry helps. It breaks the tension and lets it loose. Even that isn’t doing it today. The tears have almost dried now but I still feel like my body is vibrating and my heart is racing and my head is pounding and I can hear the whooshing from blood racing in my head from the built up pressure.
I’ve been feeling this more and more the last few weeks, almost every day lately. I usually only have it a few days here and there and I could handle that. I know a lot of it was stuff going on at work, but that’s done now so I thought it would calm back down. I haven’t written about the work stuff yet, but I will one day when I’m ready to share about it. When I’ve made my decision with what I’m going to do. But that’s for another day.
With how bad my anxiety has been lately, it’s really at the point that it makes it hard to breathe and sleep and almost not able to function. I’ve always been good at not letting it stop me from living and pushing myself to get out of bed and do what needs to be done for the day. I think I’m even pretty good at putting on a happy face and hiding how bad my brain is any given day. I’ve done what I can do at home to try and get passed it and it’s just not helping with the level of anxiety that this has become. Taking the Soul drink, vitamins and sleep spray for serotonin leveling were all helping when it wasn’t as bad as it is now.
I’ve been reluctant to go to the doctor to try and find a therapist but I think it’s time. I haven’t tried therapy or counselling in probably 20 years. I didn’t have the best experience and it’s made me really reluctant to try again. I’m sure there’s been a ton of research and new methods out there that could help so I’m willing to try again. Next step is to find someone covered under OHIP and hope the journey to find someone I click with and feel comfortable with easily. Do you have any suggestions to find someone in Toronto? Comment below or message me!
For tonight tho, it’s time for self care. Hot relaxing bath with a bath bomb, candlelight and a heroclix podcast. Then relax in bed with a meditation podcast to help fall to sleep. It’s great for drowning out the racing thoughts.
But before I say g’night, I need to shout out a huge thank you to my friends who are always there to listen to my vents, for reaching out to check up on me, amazing hugs, well timed advice and making it sink in that I’m worthy and deserving of help. I appreciate and I’m so grateful to have you all in my life.

Until next time, xoxo

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